I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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