god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
