i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize