My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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