Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
