i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
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