We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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