haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
True strength comes from lack of pants
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
