I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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