I need to stop coming to work sober
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
