my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
