Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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