nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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