I wish I could teleport
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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