Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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