I wish my penis had an off switch
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You did what with his pubic hair?
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