just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
