I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Randomize
