# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
