i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
