doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize