i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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