Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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