and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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