Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
