if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
