So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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