Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
