my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
