Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
