Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
It's official drugs can't kill me
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
