Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
