So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Randomize
