I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
