I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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