I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
