things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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