Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
