There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
