She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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