I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
