Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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