problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
