Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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