I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
