Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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