i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Randomize
