Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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