He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
