i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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