i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
