When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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