I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
