everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I wish there were birth control emojis
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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