I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
