oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
