Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I need to calm my uterus...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
