Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
