My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
