my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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